Michigan Jokes

Ok, so most of these jokes are lame and old, but they are still entertaining. (It is likely Michigan fans use the same jokes, but with a different school name.)

Q: What's the difference between a University of Michigan fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Q: How many University of Michigan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but he gets 3 credits.

Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at University of Michigan weddings?
A: To keep the flies off the bride.

Q: Did you hear about the University of Michigan fan who locked his keys in his car?
A: He couldn't get his family out.

Q: Why do University of Michigan fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Two University of Michigan fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking and cleaning his groin like dogs do. The first University of Michigan fan says to the second, "Boy, I wish I could do that." The second University of Michigan fan replies, "Yeah, me too. But I wouldn't try it." The first University of Michigan fan asks, "Why not?" The second University of Michigan fan replies, "Because I'm afraid the dog might bite me."

Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Michigan campus?
A: A visitor.

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Michigan library?
A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Michigan's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

Q: Do you know why the University of Michigan football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: Did you hear the story about the semi-truck carrying pigs that flipped over on the University of Michigan campus?
A: The officials had to check ID's before letting anyone back on board.

Q: What does the average University of Michigan student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.

Q: What should you do if you find three University of Michigan fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.

Q: How do you make University of Michigan cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.

Q: What do you get when you cross a University of Michigan fan and a pig?
A: Nothing. There's some things that a pig will not do.

Q: How many University of Michigan freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Michigan joke?" The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am a Michigan alumnus. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2 tall, weighs 225, and he's a Michigan alumnus. The fella next to him is 6'5 tall, weighs 250, and he's a Michigan alumnus. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?" The first guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it 3 times."

Lloyd carr is on the Ohio 5 yard line in the closing seconds of a game tied 14 - 14 and prays for inspiration. He looks to the heavens and says "God what play should I call." God answers "throw a flat pass to the right". Lloyd calls the play and it is intercepted and returned all the way for a touchdown giving Ohio State the win. Lloyd once again looks to the heavens and says "God why did you call that play". God pauses and says "Hey Woody why did we call that play?"

Directions to Michigan........ North till you smell crap, then West till you step in it.

A Michigan fan and an Ohio State fan go to the restroom and stand next to each other at the urinal. They finish about the same time. The Michigan fan goes to the sink to wash his hands and the Ohio State fan starts to walk out. The Michigan fan yells that the Ohio State fan and says hey in Michigan they teach us to wash our hands after going to the bathroom. The Ohio State fan replies back. At Ohio State they teach us not to pee on our hands...

4 college alumni were climbing a mountain. An Ohio State grad, a Michigan grad, a Penn State grad, & a Notre Dame grad. As they climbed they began to fight over who was the most spirited alumni & loved their school more. As they reached the top the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain. As he fell to his doom he shouted "THIS IS FOR THE FIGHTING IRISH!!!" Not wanting to be out done, the Penn State grad then shouted "THIS IS FOR THE NITANY LIONS!!!!" and hurled himself off the side of the mountain. Of course not wanting to be outdone the Ohio State grad shouted " THIS IS FOR THE BUCKEYES" & walked over and pushed the Michigan grad over the side of the mountain!!!!!

An Ann Arbor judge was ruling in the case of a ten year old boy who accused his parents of beating him. After reviewing the evidence, the judge announced that his intention to make the boy's grandmother his custodian. The boy protested this, stating that the grandmother also beat the boy. Finally, the judge awarded custody of the boy to Lloyd Carr and the Wolverines, since the judge rightly determined that they can't beat anybody.