Funtik the Hog (i.e., Khryak in his native Ukranian tongue, i.e. the defending Buckeye Pregame Blogspot Regular Season Guest Panel Champion), is the latest in a long line of prognosticating animals (following in the illustrious footsteps of Paul the Octopus, Paulus the Octopus [friggin’ poser!], Fred the Ferret, Citta the Elephant, amongst countless others) that have been anointed as fortune tellers of the highest order. Funtik was installed by his native country of Ukraine (one of the co-hosts of the Euro 2012 soccer tournament) to “forecast the outcome of matches in the Euro 2012 soccer championship,” and, as of June 11, 2012, had correctly predicted the outcome of four of six matches. Although not nearly as successful in his prognosticating skills as the dearly departed Paul the Octopus (may he rest in peace), Funtik the Hog made a name for himself with his “work hard, but play harder” approach to his predictions, even dismissing the advances of t**less female protesters (please see the attached photo) in pursuit of his fortune telling duties. Funtik’s “divination method” has been described as “clairvoyant snout bucket rummage,” whatever the heck that means.
After time spent earning street cred predicting “European football” matches, Funtik has crossed the pond in 2012 and decided to follow in the footsteps of his idol Paul the Octopus and has joined the Buckeye Pregame Guest Panel. He has repeated his declaration that it is his duty, nay, his DESTINY as a Ukranian hog of the highest order, to correctly predict (using his patened “clairvoyant snout bucket rummage” method), the outcome of 5-10 American college football games per week.
In terms of his predictions for the upcoming season, Funtik thinks that the Southeastern Conference will produce its eight straight national champion, a quarterback will win the Heisman Trophy, and that the Arkansas Razorbacks are his favorite team of the 2013 season (after all, a Razorback is the close American cousin of the Ukranian hog).
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